The whole teaching, one section at a time.
Open whichever part you need this week.
— Obedience is seasonal. Honor is forever.
Modern life has lost its language for thresholds. We are good at celebrating beginnings and decent at grieving endings, but we have almost no category for the space in between, when one season quietly crosses into another. When that threshold goes unnamed, we carry the expectations of the old season into the reality of the new one. That is where a lot of relationships break. The relationship changed, but we did not know how to change with it.
No threshold is harder to name than when a child becomes an adult. My first week of college, I called my dad to ask if I could stay out past 11. He said, "Trey, I'm not in charge anymore." He was still my father. I was still his son. But it would never be the same again.
Not everyone is a parent, but everyone is a child, no matter how old you are. So how do you remain a son or daughter when you are no longer a child? That threshold is as subtle as the space between verse 1 and verse 2. Paul tells children to obey their parents, then reaches back to the fifth commandment, a command written to adults in covenant community, and says honor. Obedience is seasonal, but honor is forever.
01 Honor is the hinge.
At Sinai, God teaches a freed people how to live free. It is one thing to get Israel out of Egypt. It is another to get Egypt out of Israel. The first four commandments are vertical: how to love God. Then the commands turn horizontal, and notice where God starts. Before murder, adultery, stealing, lying, and coveting, He starts with honor in the home. Commentators call this command the hinge to all the rest. If you learn to honor your father and mother, you become the kind of person who does not trespass the others.
Then there is the promise: "so that you may have a long life in the land." Does God always keep it? Plenty of people have died young with no evidence they dishonored their parents. The promise is not empty; it was written to a community, not just an individual. The quickest sign of a decaying society is how it treats its parents, because parents are our first encounter with authority. Before a teacher, coach, pastor, boss, or president, there is Mom and Dad. A game cannot flourish without a referee, and a society cannot flourish without legitimate authority.
02 Command becomes counsel.
What makes this relationship unique is that the authority changes over time. Jonathan Leeman describes two kinds of authority: the authority of command, which carries the power of discipline, and the authority of counsel, which does not. Most authority stays in one lane. Parents do not. As children, we honor their command. As adults, we honor their counsel. When you are five, bedtime is not a suggestion. When you are thirty-five, Mom does not call to remind you to go to sleep.
This is where a lot of peace is broken. Parents keep commanding when they should be counseling. Adult children stop honoring because they no longer have to obey.
03 Honor is more than lip service.
In Matthew 15, the Pharisees had declared it acceptable to withhold care from your parents as long as the money was dedicated to God. Jesus rebukes them: you cannot honor God if you are not honoring your parents. Two things become clear.
Honor extends beyond childhood into adulthood. Jesus is describing the threshold where you are earning more than your parents and they are beginning to need your care. There was a season when you depended on them. Then there is a season when they depend on you.
Honor extends beyond attitude into action. The Pharisees thought it was fine to think well of Mom and Dad and never provide for them. Jesus ties honor to action, then quotes Isaiah: "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." Biblical honor is not something you merely feel toward your parents. It is something you practice toward them.
04 Give them weight.
The Greek word Paul uses is timao: to value, to esteem, to recognize worth. The Hebrew word in Exodus is kaved: literally weight or heaviness, the gravity of a situation. Put them together and you get the picture. To honor someone is to give them weight and recognize their value. You do not treat them as insignificant. You do not treat their words as weightless or their needs as irrelevant. You do not roll your eyes when they talk.
Notice what Scripture does not say. It does not say your parents have to be perfect before they have value. It does not say you have to agree with everything they say. It does not mean obedience in adulthood, unlimited access, or even a close friendship. Honor does not mean you give them the steering wheel, but it does mean you do not run them over.
Scripture anticipated the threshold from the beginning: a man shall leave his father and mother. There comes a moment when your primary human relationship is no longer with Mom and Dad. You leave. You build a life. And yet so much of my counseling is helping grown adults process the pain they still carry from their parents.
— Why one comment can still ruin your week
"Why do my parents still have such a hold over me?" You are 35, 45, 75. They cannot ground you or take your phone. So why can one comment from Mom ruin your week? Why can one look from Dad make you feel twelve again? The answer is hidden in the word we have been studying. They carry weight. They have immense value in your life whether you like it or not.
The culture's answer is to strip away the weight, and the only way to pull that off is contempt. If honor gives value, contempt removes it. If honor speaks well of another, contempt speaks ill. Honor sees the whole person. Contempt sees the holes in a person.
Your dad may have missed too many baseball games. Honor does not require you to pretend that did not hurt. But honor can also recognize the countless hours he worked to put food on the table. Your mom may have held on too tightly. Honor does not require you to pretend that was healthy. But honor can also recognize she was desperately trying to give you the security she never received.
— Your Father carries the ultimate weight
Here is the gospel freedom we have: your parents will always have weight, but our Heavenly Father carries the ultimate weight.
Yes, it would be great to have your parents' approval. But their approval is not your identity. Your hope is in the approval of God the Father, secured through the cross and resurrection of Jesus. Yes, it hurts when your parents are disappointed in you. But their disappointment does not define you. In Christ Jesus, your Heavenly Father delights in you.
The authority changes. The honor doesn't.
Making Peace With Your Parents
For your Together Group this week. Share a meal, open the text, practice honor.
Communion
As your group gathers together, begin by sharing communion as a meal. Feel free to use the following template as a way to structure and guide this time:
1. Pass out the elements. Make sure everyone has a cup of juice and bread. Consider just having one piece of bread that everyone can take a small piece from. If you don’t have bread and juice, that’s okay. Just make sure everyone has something to eat.
2. Read 1 Corinthians 11:23-26. Once everyone has the elements, have someone read this passage out loud.
3. Pray over the bread and juice. After the reading, have the Leader or Host bless the food and pray over your time together.
4. Share a meal. Share the rest of the meal like you normally would, beginning with the communion elements.
Learn
Read Ephesians 6:1-3 together. Then read this overview:
In week 7 of our Peacemaking practice, we turn our attention toward our relationship with our parents. Regardless of how old you are now, all of us have parents. And just like with our marriages, our relationships with our parents can be both a blessing and a burden. In Ephesians 6, Paul gives us instructions on how to navigate these relationships. He begins by telling children to obey their parents. But then he moves from obedience to honor, quoting the fifth commandment from Exodus 20. The distinction matters because obedience is seasonal, but honor is forever. As children, we honor our parents’ authority of command. As adults, that authority changes into an authority of counsel. The authority changes, but the honor doesn’t.
The word honor carries the idea of weight, value, and significance. To honor someone is to give them weight, to recognize their value rather than treating them as insignificant. Honoring our parents, then, doesn’t mean giving them control of our lives or pretending they’re perfect; it means learning to recognize their value, give them appropriate weight, and love them well as the relationship changes.
Discuss together- If you were there on Sunday or listened to the teaching online, what stood out to you?
- What do you think is the difference between obeying your parents and honoring your parents? How has that distinction changed as you’ve gotten older?
- What does it mean to give your parents “weight” without giving them control? How might someone honor their parents while still maintaining appropriate boundaries?
- Our relationship with our parents carries significant weight, even as we get older. How have your parents impacted and shaped your life today, for better or for worse?
Practice
Our relationships with our parents are complicated. Many of us carry both gratitude for what our parents gave us and grief over what they couldn’t or didn’t give us. The goal in peacemaking isn’t to pretend our parents were perfect or minimize what hurt us. Instead, it’s to learn to move from obligation, contempt, or apathy toward honor.
Take a few moments to reflect on your relationship with your parents. Then discuss the following:
- Name a grief you have with your parents. This could be something they did, something they didn’t do, something you wish had been different, or something about your relationship that you still carry.
- Name three things you’re grateful for about your parents. These might be things they did for you, qualities you see in them, sacrifices they made, lessons they taught you, or ways they have shaped your life.
Share only what you are comfortable sharing. Remember, the goal isn’t to diagnose your parents’ failures or give advice. The goal is to honestly acknowledge both the grief and gratitude you carry and consider how Jesus is inviting you to respond.
Growth Practice · Honor Your ParentsThis week, take one intentional step toward honoring your parents: write them a letter or give them a phone call. You don’t have to give them the letter. Some of us have parents who have passed, or parents with whom we have an estranged relationship. But writing out the ways they’ve impacted you or the things you’re grateful for can have a profound effect on your ability to honor them today. The goal isn’t to resolve everything, bring up conflict, or even have a profound conversation. It’s simply to look for one way to give weight to their value.
Here are some suggestions on what to talk or write about:
- Consider thanking them for something you’ve never thanked them for.
- Tell them something you appreciate about them.
- Ask how they’re doing, or offer practical help.
- You might simply make the effort to reconnect.
Process
As we’ve spent the past few weeks learning about and practicing peacemaking, take the last few minutes to pause and process what you’ve seen God do (or not do) in and through you. Reflect on this question, and share with your Group if you’d like:
- What’s been the most challenging part of this Peacemaking practice so far?
Pray
Spend the final few minutes praying for one another. Then, have someone read this benediction over your group.
“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.”2 Thessalonians 3:16
The conversation continues on the Formed by Jesus Podcast.
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